The Good Sociopath

 I often talk to myself. 

I fabricate conversations when I am alone and pretend to talk to people. It's a one-sided practice I exercise for when I might face the same situation in reality. Often these circumstances never come to pass. Either I know I can never speak my mind freely or the individual isn't in my life anymore. This can't be too terribly uncommon, I'd imagine.

You might notice I have tendency to use I a lot. I actually go out of my way to try avoiding I so I don't sound so self-centered. Let's no start counting now, the last sentence didn't count. 

I am not a good person, at least, that is what I tell myself. Everyday, I make every effort to be the person I wish I was rather than the person I have become. Unfeeling, empty, apathetic. Morals and principles still guide me, there are rules to my behavior. 

Strangers. 

Smile. Tolerate. Avoid long discussion that venture beyond the weather and how do you dos. They mean nothing to me. These rules mean nothing if I am in a bad mood or you cut me off in traffic.

Acquaintances. 

Often friends of friends. Tolerate. Smile. Carry surface level conversations, focus mainly on the other person and avoid talking about my own issues. Never compare. 

Family. 

The hardest. Be friendly. Be concerned. Be attentive. Care, remember and react. Conversations must be actively engaged in. Keep to phone calls more often than visits, try to contact at least once a month. 

Friends. 

Be up front and honest, explain the condition and explain how you care. Never bring it up again and treat them with respect and decency. It is for them we try to be better.


Loved ones.

Honest. Be genuine even if that means not being your best self. Acknowledge your short comings and accept criticism. Lying doesn't help anyone. It is for her we try to be better.


Sometimes it feels better to say whatever I want to no one since I must restrain my true nature to most people. Like many people online, I feel I must play a role every day to everyone and it can be exhausting to fulfill the role society has dictated as normal. Am I good person? Maybe not, but I am not a bad person. I believe that just by fighting my nature and choosing to behave well makes me passable. Am I happy though? With everything that led up to the moment my emotional switch was flipped, I cannot say I am. Presently, impartial is my state of being, but impartial sociopath doesn't have the same ring to it. 

It's a work in progress.